How to Attend to the Emotional Needs of Kids.
Overall, my daughter is well behaved; she gets stickers for obedience on a daily basis. Yet two years ago, when she went into Shoppers Drug Mart with me and did not get a toy, it was all hell to pay. Thirty minutes of it. My favorite Dr. Perry’s three R’s were handy — help her to Regulate, Relate and Reason. After she calmed down, I held her, and we had a chat. I said, “I get you really like toys; I really like buying you toys too. Your behavior when you didn’t get your toy was unacceptable.”
I decided to let her know before any shopping:
1. What I was going to buy.
2. The expectations for her behavior. “We are going to go into the store for only three items; I am not getting any toys. You will remain calm and remember Mom is only going to buy the three items. You will not ask me for any toys.”
3. The consequences if she chose not to behave. “You will not get to watch any shows for the rest of the evening if you choose not to behave as discussed.”
Shopping since has been much improved, and, of course, it helps that she is no longer three.
In this week’s insight, we are looking at three of the most important ways we could attend to children’s emotional needs. Firstly, active listening; secondly, demonstrating empathy; and finally, creating a safe environment.
Active Listening: Pay close attention when they talk. Validate their feelings and let them express themselves. How does validation work? We listen actively whilst withholding judgment. If we are tired, hungry or extremely angry, it is strongly advisable for us to table the discussion for another time.
Empathy: Show empathy towards their emotions. Help them understand and label their feelings. Here we withhold the “righting reflex” or the urge to correct things. Just imagine what it’s like to feel whatever they are experiencing. Their experience is unique, important and matters.
Create a Safe Environment: Ensure they feel safe to share their emotions without fear of judgment or punishment. For example, one year, early in my work developing the Resilient Stars Program, I met Robert (not his actual name) who was as fast as a whip and would run out of his classroom whenever he felt emotionally aroused. His teachers were, to put it nicely, “fed up.” The nice teacher told me, “I can’t leave fifteen kids to chase after him.” When the security guard helped to secure him, he followed me up to my room; he was still crying. “It’s okay, you can cry for as long as you need to, I am right here.” Then I phoned his mom to ask her how long he typically cried during those times. Mom shared that it could last for hours. He seemed startled, then sat up and stopped crying. I normalized his traumatic experience, he seemed to feel safe and agreed to draw his feelings. Robert moved from hours to five minutes after his course of coaching.
Remember, you have what it takes and are stronger than you think.
Practicing active listening, empathy and creating a safe environment can help you in all relationships, but especially those with either your children or students.
We provide virtual and in person coaching sessions and groups to students to increase their grit, self-esteem and ability to manage anxiety and depression by teaching five core life skills- self-awareness, tenacity, attention, retention and strategic planning. These skills are rooted in the science of cognitive behavioral therapy. You can book a session on our PORTAL.